Being that another religious zealot… I mean, er, one of our wise holy men has guaranteed us the end of the world is May 21, 2011 I have some questions about proper apocalyptic etiquette.
1) Should I have called out sick to work today? We don’t get paid until next Friday but there is no next Friday… so why should I work for free?
2) What time should I expect the rapture? I’m trying to devise a schedule so that I can get as much boozing, whoring, indulging, looting & general good times before I hit the confessional to repent. Can we say 3-ish?
3) If I get taken into Heaven’s cotton candy & Zanax flavored clouds, would one of you heathens mind checking to make sure I didn’t leave the stove on?
4) I know it’s a big if but IF I go to Heaven can we maybe consider taking a day trip to Earth for sushi or Pink’s? Oooh! We could make it a date night, wouldn’t that be nice?
5) What if I get into Heaven and my dog doesn’t? Who will walk and feed him?
6) As a personal favor can we grant a few pardons and take some of the cool people like Seth Rogen & Snoop? We can leave the Bieber kid if there’s assigned seating.
7) Is that why traffic was light this morning?
8 ) Are there cheerleader tickle fights in Heaven? Or is that more Hell’s expertise?
9) Is Heaven BYOB?
10) Okay, so I didn’t get in on Saturday and I’m bound to Hell on Earth for the rest of existence… do I go to church on Sunday?